Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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