So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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