When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize