1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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