I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
