i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
