ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
