i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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