Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
we're making bets on your personal life
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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