im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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