Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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