i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
