Don't make out with my wife yet
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
