Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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