i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
