i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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