Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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