omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
