Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
