You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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