She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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