did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
