its not stalking. its research.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
