Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
