life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just had sex on a roof
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
