dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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