Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
