I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
