My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Randomize
