You surviving the open bar?
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I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
