He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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