cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
