Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
