I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize