So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
