I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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