I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
