I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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