Umm I'm too high to move.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
