Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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