Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
