god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
