my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
