The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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