That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
