wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
