Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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