made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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