Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize