Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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