Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Someone stole a lamp last night.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize