once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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