If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
