between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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