I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
