Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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