Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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