she takes plan B like it's going out of style
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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