even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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