I just made out with a guy for $7.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
