Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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