I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We don't watch enough power rangers
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
