The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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