Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
