Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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