I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
