....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
