Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
