How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
