I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
