I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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