Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Randomize
