Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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